Domestic Abuse

In the last edition of Achiever’s Edge we explored what domestic abuse is and the facts and figures related to domestic abuse in the UK. We also looked at how Covid-19 affected domestic abuse, the Ask for ANI scheme and legislation changes contained within the Domestic Abuse Act that were being implemented to support people who are being (or have been) subjected to domestic abuse. If you missed it, you can access the article here.

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We are continuing to explore domestic abuse – this time focussing on recognising the signs.

All relationships are different – we know this from our own experiences and from what we observe with our families, friends and work colleagues. There isn’t any such thing as a “normal’ relationship, but it is important understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships. Recognising the signs is an important first step in dealing with the situation you may find yourself in.

According to the charity Victim Support, signs of a health relationship can include:

• They always treat you with respect, no matter where we are or who we’re with.
• They’re proud of you when you achieve something.
• They encourage you to keep trying with things you find hard.
• They’re comfortable with you spending time away from them, with family and other friends.
• They try to do some of the things you like, such as sports, cinema and music.
• They respect me when you say no or disagree.
• They can talk about their feelings with you.
• They don’t cheat on you and trust you not to cheat on them.
• They listen to you when you both disagree and try to see your point of view.
• They give you compliments and say positive things about you to others.
• They have friends and interests of their own.
• They don’t rush your relationship; you can take it slow.
• They ask your opinion when deciding important things that affect you both.

On the flip-side, some things you may hear, see or experience in an unhealthy relationship can include:

• They make threats and do things that make you feel frightened.
• They put you down just to make you feel bad when you’re alone or around friends.
• They make you do things that you don’t want to do without listening to you.
• They make you feel guilty if you don’t spend time with them.
• They don’t try to get on with your friends or family.
• They hit, slap or push you.
• They look through your phone, social media or web history.
• They want to know where you are all the time.
• They cheat on you or accuse you of cheating on them.
• They steal from you or make you buy them things.
• They make you have sex when you don’t want to.

It's important to realise that whether you are experiencing one or many of these things, which depending on your individual situation, you may need specialist help and support.

Visit Victim Support

Relationships can be complicated and have a massive impact on us emotionally, financially, physically and socially. Victim Support have identified some early warning signs that could be indicators that you are feeling unsafe – these are detailed below. It's really important that you look at what is causing you to feel unsafe and seek support.

You're becoming a lot more critical of yourself — thinking that you always doing things wrong, are unattractive/unlovable or unable to support yourself or do things you used to do.

• You give up on your own opinions and think your partner is right about everything.
• You're feeling more stressed or worried all the time; you feel nauseous or have bad butterflies. Sometimes stress can also stop us eating and sleeping properly or cause us to have headaches.
• You have that ‘dreaded’ feeling more often.
• You're scared of how your partner will react to a situation.
• You avoid saying something because you don’t want to upset your partner.
• You feel scared when your partner is angry because you can’t predict their behaviour.
• You're feeling a pressure to change who you are or move the relationship further than you want to.
• You feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
• You're staying in more and seeing less of family and friends to avoid arguments with your partner.

It can be difficult for people looking in from the outside to understand why someone would stay in an abusive relationship that may be causing them emotional anguish or physical harm. In reality, there are a number of reasons why someone may feel that they can’t leave the relationship:

• They may worry and be fearful that the abusive partner will become violent or more violent than they are already
• They may rely on that person for financial support
• They may be worried about access to their children
• They may feel isolated and not have a support network of family and friends
• They may worry about losing their home
• Often there are some good times alongside the abuse – they may keep hoping it won't happen again

Remember that it is never ok for someone to abuse you in any way, whoever they are. Domestic abuse is a crime and there are support networks out there to help – never forget, you are not to blame despite being made to feel that way by the abuser.